What’s ET short for? He’s only got little legs
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What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
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Two cannibals eating a clown, one says, ‘does this taste a bit funny to you?’
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For me the best one-liners set you up like a compliment, then slam you immediately after, Don Rickles style.
My fave: “You have a point… but if you comb your hair right, maybe no one will notice.”
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I know it was flagged, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve read in a while.
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“I saw an Australian playing dancing queen on a didgeridoo the other day and thought, that’s abbarigional”
Thanks Tim Vine 
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from Steve Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”
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My dog is called Woodbine. He hasn’t got any legs. Yesterday I took him out for a drag… 
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“I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.” (Robyn Hitchcock, if memory serves…)
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I have not slept for ten day, because that would be too many.
RIP Mitch Hedberg
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what do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
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I dare you to say it 3 times in a row.
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From a mate:
My grandad said that back in the day, he could go to a shop with a quid and come out with bacon, eggs, bread and butter…
…but these days they have cameras all over the place.
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A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, help, it hurts when I do this”
Doctor says “Stop doing that”
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‘You must be higher than a giraffe’s fanny!’
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I think this was the only one that made me chuckle aloud.
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Sex education teacher enters classroom. Opens his briefcase and takes out a banana.
“Today I’m going to show you how to put a condom on but I’ll eat this banana first because I can’t get a hard on on an empty stomach.”
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The worlds greatest farmer is out standing in his field.
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Heard Louis CK tell this joke on a podcast recently, such an economy of words.
The thread title made me immediately think of Steven Wright, who is undoubtedly on the podium of one-liner comics.
There’s tons of great ones, but here’s a few:
“This morning, I folded my bed back into a couch. I nearly broke both arms because it’s not that kind of bed.”
“My dog is a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him”
“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”
“I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw this guy pushing this long line of shopping carts and i yelled to him, 'Hey, somebody else might want to use one of those”
“my grandmother said, come over here. i said why? she said just come over here. so i went over. she said here’s $5, don’ t tell your mother i gave it to you. i said, it’ll cost you more than that”
“When I was a child, we had a sandpit. It was a quicksand pit. I was an only child…eventually.”
“I once accidentally swapped my car keys for the house keys. When I put the ignition key in the door it started up the house. So I drove it around for awhile. A cop eventually pulled me over. He asked me where I lived. I said: ‘Right here.’”
“I had a dream that I was robbed. When I woke-up, everything in my apartment had been replaced by an exact duplicate.”
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A man walks up to a bar holding a dog jobby in the palm of his hand and says to the bartender, ‘ look what I nearly stood in!’
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